Conversions

Hello and welcome to The Countdown to thirty.

Saddle up to the table for some stubborn belly fat for the mind.

Hallelujah I’m Converted!!!

I can still remember the first time I caught that elitist grin from some khaki short wearing dread locked art student self righteously brandishing his ugly grey mactop with its strange OS. Oh for sure later on in marketing classes I would give these beasts a try only to find my screen freeze up at that pivotal time just before you remember to save your project. Up until a few years ago I had passed off on any notion I had in my tiny brain to return to this elitist OS.

Being forced into servitude by a healthy mortgage I took up a reasonable profession in which Apple products were heavily featured. Apparently Mac’s are so well marketed that every marketing firm in the world feels that they have to exclusively use their product. So, things definitely change when your boss hands you a Mac and tells you to start moving dev files between servers.

I can now confidently say that for work applications Mac’s are by far the superior choice to XP. Search Google if your looking for tech specs I’m not that guy and this is not that blog. 3 reasons for those of us that are less technical more practical.

1. You never have to turn them off. Seriously I typically get at least 8 days of uptime before I will notice any form of slowing. XP needs a daily reboot to be any where near functional.
2. Quick installation and deletion of files. Got and executable file? Drag it into the applications folder and boom you’re done. No install waits no restart your comp for app to work.
3. The dock. I know I know its just a tool bar with hot keys, but typically you only use 3-6 apps a day for work why would you want to go through a tree menu off your start bar to find some random app module? Drop it in the dock and your good to go.

Switching topics….

How can you not be excited about this upcoming Sunday? Bears/Seahawks should be epic and with a broken footed MVP you begin to wonder if this is actually the Bears year. A late game also ensures that offices across the Chicago land area will be severely undermanned the following Monday. If you catch a red eyed lunatic swerving his way around the Schaumburg area give me a wave…or a finger I probably deserve both.

More pills

Find out tomorrow if medications have kept my Italian blood from holding on to its delicious cholesterol. If stats aren’t down were upping the dosage and I’m probably going vegan. Sigh, is a lifetime of eating mulch a lifetime worth living? If my numbers do drop believe me I will be high tailing it straight into the comforting arms of a cooked medium porterhouse and a tall Sam Adams.

Losing a reader, gaining a friend…

A big welcome back to my friend Rachel who’s returning from Italy with her husband. Guess we actually have to talk now eh?

Links to other nut jobs

Blogs are serious business, here are a bunch that recently caught my eye. Highlihgts include strangely elaborate descriptions of 13 year old. Emo chicks providing bad poetry, heavily photoshopped blogs featuring Asians and other randomness.

Check ‘em out, give a hello, but for the love of all that’s sacred don’t post a link to another site as apparently as My space = pedophiles Blogger = pretentious

http://imageready.blogspot.com/
http://mypinkbubblegum.blogspot.com/
http://anistonhair.blogspot.com/
http://bulbadise.blogspot.com/
http://faithoflife.blogspot.com/
http://relfysux.blogspot.com/

Final Thoughts

1. Wisconsin is the cheap whore of the Midwest.
2. If you knock on my door at 8pm and then try to convince me to vote for your candidate and I stumble out of my house reeking of booze and cigarettes please don’t make a disgusted face. I’m still a voter and no I don’t want your f’n fridge magnet.
3. Old men who smoke should not keep mustaches. It looks like they pissed on their upper lip.

The art of taking a compliment

I see it in women i see it in men. No one knows how to take a compliment anymore. Sarcasm has infiltrated so deeply into the culture that no one fully believes in another persons genuineness. Break your olive branches people theres no room for your weakness.

Now, I understand that you have been hurt so many times by your verbally abusive father that now when ever another human reaches out to you its necessary to cower. So I have given you some fool proof steps to never be hurt again ya big ugly baby.

When complimented:

1. Question the persons sexuality.
2. Find some minor gaffe and try to turn the situation into their issue.
3. Feel better about yourself by telling them that they are full of themselves
4. Try to figure out the persons hobbies and make judgements accordingly
5. Imagine the complimenter under going disgusting acts of bodily harm

It’s a scary world out there be sure to be on the offensive at all times.

Tag team, party on!

     So now this Countdown has been joined by me, Jayson. Brandon and I are going to tear this mother up like the Bushwacker wrestlers (action figures) of old. You won't see any Kung-Fu grip on those bad boys, because they are flexing their guns, and Kung-Fu grip looks stupid when you're showing off the pipes. Just picture it with me for a moment. Ok, the moments over. You ruined it. Way to go.

     Enough idle chit-chat. I'm going to bust this blog wide open with a little anecdote. This past weekend I went with my brother, his brother-in-law John, and their friend Tom to see Sufjan Stevens in Indianapolis. It was an amazing concert, but that's not what this story is about. So, we were waiting in line before the show because we had arrived way early to the venue. After waiting for about 15 minutes, some schmuck employee of the venue comes out and tells us we need to reform the line on the other side of the door. For what reason, I do now know. Anyway, we shuffle on over to the other side of the sidewalk and by chance we are about 10 people in front of where we were. We don't consider this any big deal, and I don't think the people behind us did, either. However, the snotty indie kids in front of us decided to cry about it. Some words were exchanged, but it did not come to blows because their indie hair would have gotten messed up. I laughed to myself that they will drive right home after the show and whine about it on their blog. HAHA! Oh, dammit, I think I just made fun of myself.

    Anyway, you can expect to see sporadic postings on here from yours truly, I hope they fill your day with chocolate rainbows of delight.

The whys and hows?

So the signs are there. You think your starting to get ahead in life when suddenly your car purr turns to a roar and you feel that you could get better brake traction if you went at it Fred Flintstone style. I only need two dependable cars 8 months out of the year, but without fail in those eight months things will go wrong. Such are the choices of the loot gods.

How to write for the internet

The question has been raised on how to blog or provide columns. Its really quite simple

Start by saying who you are and where your at. That way everyone knows that your going to own them in the face and this is the place to be.

Example. Hello schmucks and sucka this is Drudger and your at the Countdown to thirty Blog.

Secondly get to topic. Find a subject get an opinion stick by it even if you write yourself into a corner.

Example: Sure dolphins look cute but they would stab us all in the back if they had a chance to get out of the water. Fortunately we have a large enough population of Octopi which everyone knows are the security force of the seas. God help us however if the Octopi revolt.

Third find a regular schtick and make it a regular portion of your columns.

Example: THE THIRD EYE – The third eye sees much trouble in the coming weeks for our constituents in the southern hemisphere.

See it doesn’t even have to make sense.

Fourth, Post a real life “insider” message to someone who may or may not actually exist.

Example: Yo Luke, you know how I said she never would? Well I was right.

This establishes that the poster is too cool to really be blogging. Even though heavens knows that as soon as he posts he will be glued to the screen constantly refreshing and hoping for a comment.

Finally, Sign off. Here you can link other peoples work and end with your signature catch phrase.

Example: Hey if your bored check out (link) and (link) great stuff from both of those guys. Well im out folks keep hitting the bricks. ~The caramel apple.

Boom! You are now an official internet writer. Oh and when in doubt pseudo plagiarize.

Happy Thursday

B 96

The people are told

Hello saints and sinners I am Brandon your noteworthy sham lead and this is the countdown to thirty blog.

Life recap

So with guild drama dying down, the dog relatively trained, the wife typically happy and the job situation progressing we now prepare to lie down while mother nature takes an icy dump upon our middle America communities. Ah fall, when summer initiatives are beaten down like the flash in a pan notions that they were. Hope you logged all those miles you intended to jog cause nature just gave you the ultimate excuse to never leave your house. Farewell to the sun you miserable tease.

Bien Politico!!

So another leak by our beloved CIA lets us know that if there no reason to believe that any government run organization is nothing more than a potential propaganda piece. In our age of fear CIA/Iraq is the new buzz work to make everyone stand up and take notice. For our parents it was Russia/Nukes. So we will see what comes of this if anything. Thank God its about that time for politics to rev up. Leaks, lies, posing, stances, denials accusations, victory and defeat. It just keeps getting better each year what more can happen this year than did last. Polarization baby!!!

Yet while my age bracket get all puffy and noble around this time they still somehow forget to vote when push comes to shove. I wonder sometimes what the elderly honestly think of us in regards to politics? I know my grandfathers general sentiment towards our generation is to grow a pair. “insert “at your age I was picking shrapnel out of my dead buddies arms so you kids could enjoy your starbucks and hybrid automobiles”

If you turned on any form of news outlet this week you probably got to see my hero Bill Clinton back on the air waves. The true fun of the clip is him getting angry and that of course what brought the ratings and the discussion. To my brown eyes this is all SO phony. I mean in theory this man is getting frustrated and angry during the interview. Yet, he knew where he was going didn’t he? Fox news man… marching on the GOP agenda one story at a time…. that Fox news??? Seriously with his reaction you would think he never took a tough question in his life.

Bill, you know the score, dismiss the premises of the question. Your anger only acknowledges it and lends to the thought that a nerve was touched. You’re the slickest politician I have ever seen. Big gaffe on your part. But whatever, it gets the masses talking about the democratic party again so I guess mission accomplished. Still going to lose in ’08 but from now till then it will be fun to watch them try.

Bill Clinton the man that taught me that no question has to go answered.

Speaking of old men and the weather

“There are ominous signs that the Earth’s weather patterns have begun to change dramatically and that these changes may portend a drastic decline in food production– with serious political implications for just about every nation on Earth.”

You may think that I stole that from a recent magazine but in fact it’s a sample from a magazine article from 1975. Click the link to read the transcript of a senator just owning all of our alarmist scientists and over hype hungy media in regards to global warming. It’s a bit of a read but it’s a bit bigger of a laugh.

http://epw.senate.gov/speechitem.cfm?party=rep&id=263759

Pixel Philosophy

The tauren is a wall from which there is no view around. Stand behind him in a cave at your own peril. Wise is the man who rolls troll.

The wisdom of Gnarles Barkley

Everybody is somebody but no one wants to be themselves.

Screw Job of the Week

This one goes out to my beloved Chicago White Sox. You miserable bunch of punks. How in the world could this happen? Truly a case of the stats don’t add up. What makes it the biggest disappointment is that you guys were clearly the most talented group of players to take the field on a regular basis. However you couldn’t get the job done. Wheres your killer instinct? There was none….. you screwed yourselves and you have no one to blame but the man in the mirror.

Sigh. Nothing like the highest of highs to let you know what the lowest of lows feels like. Still its better than being a cubs fan. I Think ill go watch the championship videos from last year.

Now hiring…

Do you want to fulfill your lifelong fantasy and become a self inflated pretentious blogging jerk like your hero? Drop me a line as I would like add another persons opinions in this monster. J im looking right at ya.

bvan@MTCPerformance.com

Sean Connery is better than you….

With a single laugh he can change the course of an interns destiny.

Final thought…

You can’t hug a child with nuclear arms.

Peace I’m out…

B 95

Sulfurous

Not a fan of this cold. Never have been never will be. Where is your molten sulfurous god now RA worshippers? Or was it Osiris? Either way your god or guild leader has forsaken you. Chicago seems to be into giving us just a tease every year. I realized today that its strange that I would choose to live in a region whos climate i feel comfortable in only 3 months out of the year. Why were not all equator bound defies my personal logic. My assumption would be that some one has to stick around to watch those Canuks. You know the second we turn our back the pull a knife out of the queer red coats they have and stab us straight through.

Speaking of Continental American traitors....

So this week in the UN council the Venezuelan president called US prez Bush a great satan or devil or some kind of sulfurous entity. And it was a news story but it wasn't much of one. Just imagine of the the shoe had been on the other sulfurous hoof. Outrage, efigies burned. Protest. Just another example of how the world secretly desires the big dog to go down in aL large sulfurous crater.

Looks like my Sox are done but at least the Bears have stepped in as a surrogate nurse. I'm sure the Vikings will have their veins filled with sulfuric rage as teh bears whomp them 21-7.

Final Thoughts

Predictions are a framework for a house of dissapointment.

Weekly Post de jour

There’s no return from 26. But I did make it quite a memorable weekend. A quick story to summarize my actual birthday party.

In My Mind: On the ride home from the night club I made polite conversation, upon returning home I briefly snoozed upon the couch before adjourning to my bedroom upstairs.

From the mouths of babes: Apparently I was talking very quickly in the car and was very sentimental and repetitive, including multiple attempts to convince everyone in the car that the club we went too was “the best place to go that you never go to” Upon returning home I was found on the floor complaining that my stomach hurt. To which I was brought a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Which after eating prompted me to go lay down in the bathroom. After several cold porcelain moments I returned to the living room and immediately passed out into a slumber so deep that my wife questioned whether or not she should take me to the hospital. Apparently after a vigorous shaking I mumbled something resembling coherence and barely made it up the stairs under my own power.

So 26 started with a bang indeed. I send out a big thank you to those who were there and took care of me at every step. I had a blast.

So onto the business of the middle third of my life. Life expectancy (age 75). Goals this year:

I consulted with my life coach MR. T, he looked into his crystal ball and said the following words.

1. Get your behind educated boy!! MCSE certification by 2008 fool!
2. Get yourself looking less dumpy chump shoes!! The older you get the more you need to work out! Drink your milk!
3. Save your cash sucka! Children are around the corner. Stay off the drugs!! Quit your jibba jabba!!

Wise words from a wise man and I appreciated the time he spent with me. He said no charge but he grabbed the 20 dollar tip out of my hand so quick that it became apparent he had not seen one in a while.

Lets talk with my spiritual advisor

The Wisdom of Gnarles Barkley

I’m afraid because I have no fear…..

Ah Cee Lo you always open my eyes. Maybe my sweetie has something to chime in?

Tiffisms

Think of grapes as nature’s chips…

Can’t eat just one eh?

So it seems my most trusted advisors have come to a consensus we are in the final four of my countdown to thirty. Specialize, optimize and organize are the themes of this year of my life.

A burning question….

Cheating in games. Are we bound to the same moral code of honor in a fantasy universe? Can we put the same moral weight on our decisions in matters of insignificance? Clearly a developer sets a body or rules and allows us into an experience. Are we bound to those rules? As an example everyone has their own home set of rules when it comes to games like Monopoly and have you ever played an honest game of Monopoly?

Final thoughts

1. I hate politics but enjoy presidential races.
2. Of the three what honestly makes the biggest impact in your life? Friends, Family or business contacts?
3. Pets exist to help us realize how ready we actually are for the responsibility of children.
4. As my generation is deeply afraid of clowns will this generation be afraid of global warming?
5. Rebels rarely have a plan beyond breaking a system.

I’m in the business of bad ideas

Who would have thought that a simple trip to my secondary job would be so rewarding and draining? I am now fully caught up on office politics. I discovered that starbucks coffee still puts me into a caffeinated frenzy and that arriving home at 3am is bad business. Twice this weekend I saw 4am such is the power of coffee.

Saw some old lower tier friends this weekend and it was nice. My friend Jim who we nick named “Amadeus” was there. Clean shaven and well groomed. He revealed that he now works at a bank. How the mighty have stumbled. Its’ funny how that seems to happen to us all. The ideals of youth begin to be packed away next to your homecoming shirts. Each of us turns to refugees blindly searching for the road to providence. Whatever will be will be.

NEW STUFF

Here are some brief snippets of some new sections that I will be cycling into these posts. Previously popular sections include Spammer Poetry and Final Thoughts.

Tiffisms

You shouldn’t eat meatballs and fish at the same meal.

The Wisdom of Gnarles Barkley

It’s deep how you’re so shallow.

Pixel Philosophy

Level 46 mages shouldn’t poly me. Perhaps he thought I wouldn’t want a DHK. He thought wrong.

Sean Connery is better than you….

Two words and a steely eyed glance is all it takes to add your lady to his harem.

Screw Job of the week

My secondary incomes bonus check is not released until the beginning of Q2. That’s a full 1 and half years without a bonus from you guys!!! Aw man SCREW JOB!!!!!!

Rallying Cry!!

No more aborted baby mustaches!! Down with razors by 2007!!!

Something Lost

I know it’s the easy and possibly trendy thing to bash MTV but I myself enjoy easy and possibly trendy things. Last night by pure lack of available quality programming watch the MTV music video awards. I’m clearly dating myself but I can remember a time when the awards show was the craziest wildest most unpredictable event of the year. Which made it obviously a highly anticipatory event that often lived up to its billing.

Ever since P-diddy hosted the show has never been the same. If you thought you would check out the show let me save you a couple hours.

Cynical Award Show Review Go!

It had a good idea but some how It fell flat. Well ….not somehow Ill tell you exactly why. The show is bordering parody. The host Jack Black even starts the show off by saying that he is here to return the show to its former glory. We have a musical line up that showcases some quite talented acts. A guy who is funny in doses and a crowd that actually seems to want to be there.

Throughout the show The Raconteurs play us in and out of commercials which can only be interpreted as MTV screaming “SEEE were still valid!!! We gave you indie rock on a major network outlet!!! That’s Jack White out there people!! You love him all you crazy kids do!” Unfortunately Jack White lost pretty much all credibility when he did the Pepsi ad and his new band only made things worse. You can almost see the dollar signs in his eyes as he croons like a shell of his former self. I still like his music and will probably buy further albums but for all the hipsters out there he or the white strips are about as interesting as agricultural reports on AM radio.

While were on the topic. I think agricultural reports on AM radio should be the new indie! Are you a teenager who really wants to scare his parents? Blast that in your room and when your parents complain scream back “Not until we here where the soy futures are trending!!!” Guaranteed they will leave the room shaking their head,

Back to business.

The funniest trend for that show is that through out the night we have multiple artists complaining about the lack of rock on MTV. We then proceed to see performances from Panic at the Disco, that one band that wrote “Swing Swing” and the Killers. We also get “surprise” wins by Fall out Boy, that one band that did a video homage to “fear and loathing in las vegas”, AFI & and the grand prize going to Panic at the Disco.

The best moment of the night actually comes from the ‘swing Swing band” lead singer who is clearly sloshed as he walks up to accept the award. The booze seems to have cleared his ability to be coherent so he then goes to the rock star play book by calling out the name of the city that the event is hosted at. Cheap cheers are cheers none the less.

Second best moment would have to be the monstrous fake eye lashes on Davy Havock of AFI. I honestly expected him to begin to levitate during his acceptance speech should he blink hard enough.

Sentimental moment of the night was the Fall Out boy choking up a bit during his acceptance speech. True emotion? There’s no room for that here in MTV land. Maybe he was trying to audition for next seasons Real World. Fortunately the midget from Jackass carried him away before he proved how emo he was.

The music was good Panic at the disco did their emo circus act, looked like twelve year olds and overall could not sing. The Killers were the killers. Swing swing band was average. Christina Aguilera was talented but boring as usual. Beyonce must have stole Janet Jacksons choreographer as watching her performance easily transported me to the early 90’s accept without the drugs to make me feel that things were ok. The song was terrible too, Beyonce rapping? Honestly..no c’mon honestly!! Stick to vocals and gyrations. Lose the Rhythm nation dance moves.

Worst moment of the night would have to be Al “get on your feet and scream” Gore. Seriously I watch this show with the hope of entertainment and what do I get? A global warming speech? Seriously I watched the entire thing just waiting for one of the Jackass boys to throw a pie. I honestly thought there would be a punchline but it never came. He just talked and it killed the crowd.

So what do we see here? MTV desperately trying to change with the times pushing back some of the harder hip hop acts and taking on these new “indie” rock bands. I will never be someone to tell another to give up on your dreams. However MTV, you dream to return to relevance but you have become nothing more than an over hyped Wal Mart of artist promotion. Which only trivializes the moments when you try to be serious.

MTV, you remind me of the guy in the room who is always there. Sure you might talk to him and he’s probably good for a laugh but other wise forgettable and not a name or a face you will remember until the next time you stumble upon him. How the mighty have fallen. The same dark hands that can poison Jack white poisoned your eyes long ago. You stopped being about music and started being about hype. I’m sure it worked for a while. But your lowest rated show in years shows that the divine cup of the teenage market may be beginning to see you as you really are. Which should give us all hope for the future.

The end.

RIP

Even Evil Knevil fell of his bike once in a while. In that light it was only a matter of time before the worlds greatest croc hunter ever created by a media outlet passed away. It’s never a good thing to hear that a child will grow up without his father. Best wishes and prayers.

Cringe

This morning I got in the elevator and pressed the button for the second floor. I was then scolded by some grey hair about my unwillingness to climb 10 stairs. I mumbled something about an over partied weekend and began to stumble out the door. He retaliated with your draggin too much for a 22 year old. Which has pretty much put me in a good mood for the all of the day.

Thats right kids I am but 10 days away from the awful anniversary of my birth hence marking the 26th year of my life. I would request a monetary donation of a dollar from all my regular readers. This in fact should net me 5 bucks!! Additionally a nickle will be required from all you off again on agains. That should be good for an additional dollar fifty.

Financial priorities are the name of the game for Q4. Lets take a look at the reasons behind some of my current goals.

1. The neighborhood is taking a dive. Plain and simple my quiet neighborhood is slowly succumbing to an out pouring of seedier types. Typically these trends dont turn themselves around quickly.

2. Well that wonderful time just after marriage where people give ya jabs about having kids is over. Now people are flat out asking and are impatient with the answer. Of course these constant inquiries begin to erode the mental strength of my significant other and suddenly its becoming a more and more pressing reality. The game plan baby we had a game plan!!!!

Oh well plans and necks are made to be broken. Just ask that well meaning hitchhiker that stumbled in front of my car on my drive home from Michigan.

Kudos to you who kept it casual and did not get pulled over this weekend. Cops were in full force and rightfully so. Too many drunken ametuers out there. Commanding a luxury 4 door vehicle is no God given right for the feeble minded.

Wow! Look at the time

Honestly can you believe its September? It seems like just last week I was enjoying New Years by watching my wife be escorted down the aisle by Elvis. Does a fast year mean good things or bad things? I would imagine it means good. Let’s start listing what we want to accomplish in Q4. I’ll give mine next week.

Cheers.

A final desperate act (part 2)

Heard in a bar in Memphis…

That’s a nice tooth ya go there smiley.
A tire in every yard and a tub of moonshine in every basement!!
No I do not know the meaning of the word No!
I hear at night the mayor kills the homeless for sport. Behind his house is a big hobo grave yard. All I know is that fact or fiction he’s got my vote.
Grew up in Memphis, married a bear, died in a field with a bottle in hand and a smile on his face!! I miss you dad!!!!

Spammer Poetry

Tracks by Chwe (sjghynstt@proxad,net)

Pinkerton rallies country backfire. looks tipping occurred remained resolute policyone beefedup
mounted guards rendition family friends deceased terrible
Popcorn Balls Hailstone Ice Cream Enter Lauras Martha Charlotte

Combining Elements by Treesize (vdvdwpw@gaoland.net)

Hed produced Diary Rosa Brooks which included Jimi Hendrix guitar.
always welcome. suggested even better. technical spelling grammar
seems one.